Why I hate the weekends (for the most part).
It’s time like this that reminds you of the emptiness and reveal the deep seated frustration, of everything you distracted yourself from during work week.
When it is the weekend, you always try to plan it out, studying, time with the family, taking care of plants and your dog, any fun activities that you just do not do. Then you are by yourself in your room, your PC is on but you cannot do any task planned, you surf Youtube and sing 5 songs then you’re hungry you eat… then you eat again and then your stomach hurts and in between all that let’s not forget the intense hours spent on Instagram at each intervals. But you have this assignment that needs to get done. So you get back at it, searching and searching, putting on a music that supposedly helps but never concretely doing it.
Then this feeling comes, it is hot and dull and ever present, and you eat some more, you try to do some work again and then you get yourself off but it is still there it is not enough. You crave for that ‘thing’, anything that will make you feel something. But in the moment you are not aware of that, right. Your brain keeps flickering and buzzing and you feel yourself coming to an edge, a hit to your body would feel so nice, a scratch on your skin, something with pressure, something that will … make you feel something.
The assignment, right! You are barely keeping it together because you cannot focus on the damn assignment. Yet you keep trying then you realize it is four pm and you spent the whole afternoon doing useless things. ANGER. FRUSTRATION. You had enough, then the funny thing is your body goes stagnant, you take your phone out, of course, and you look for THAT person.
Disappointing, you spent all week trying to not do it, because you need to let it go. But look at you, looking for someone that does not want to be there for you. FUCKING FOOL! And yes, you know that is so stupid but you keep doing it, is it to harm yourself? is it because you are lonely? Honestly, i cannot tell you.
But that is the breaking point. You can feel the tears coming. Because God knows how much this person meant to you and how you lost them when you needed them the most. Then the thoughts keep spiraling, the memories and the questions. You remember loving at a distant, and the mental and emotional damage it brought. You remember losing a family member,and dealing with that shit alone, you remember them not understanding the struggles you were facing when your family was going through it. When all you needed was someone there by your side despite you were different. Keeping you safe from all the danger and the scary place. You remember not being important, not being loved, the way you loved. Then the tears falls, and you did not want to, but there are some things that hurt deep and it takes many tears to let it go.
But you’re not that stupid, cause then you take the courage to write about it. And then you remember, you do deserve love, and support and whatever happened to you, was not deserved but an obstacle of life. And what you expected from that person is possible, but they could not give at that moment, and that is their prerogative. That their lack of presence is not a reflection of your worth. Their inability is not your definition. You keep faith in that dream of yours. you keep faith that your person will not find you hard to love, or to deal with. Your person will stand by you when you are on your knees after life’s battle brought you down. Your person will love you for you. And you trust that this was all meant to be and give yourself grace. And soon enough you will let it all go.
Sincerely,
May