Giving My Love A Place To Go.
If you tell me that I would feel lonely in in my early twenties I would laugh at you.
I was always so content with my own company, in fact I was doing good living on my own, I had fun with myself and even dreamt about living my life alone. Well that was until I met Her, then everything changed. And right now that she is not with me, I feel like something is missing in my life. And it gets really hard someday to brush this feeling aside(like now). There is so much I can do to not think about it, she is still on my mind.
It has been 8 months since we broke up. And I was telling my cousins how I realised recently that I still cannot call her my ‘ex’. Pathetic? I personally don’t want to talk about it with others, because I know they will tell me to just move on, focus on me blah blah blah… And i don’t want to hear any of that. Because I did move on, I did everything I know to move on. I deleted all our pictures, I deleted her number(multiple times),I unfollowed her on instagram, I cut contacts for at least 2 months, I tried looking and talking to other women and I even indulge in some light staring at girls I find someone physically attractive. I did all that, I put myself out there again because I know I want this and I deserve this love I am searching for. And I know she is it for me.
It all comes back to Her. I am so uninterested with everyone I see or meet. Even if i can find them attractive physically, I have not been able to make a move because deep inside I still love her. And I am just looking for her all the time. For instance, in the morning, when I commute to work, there is a woman with her baby, in the beginning I was so intrigued, because she leaves her baby to a carer at another bus stop and then get back on the bus. I found that really admiring, you know, what a mother would do for her baby. But really I was intrigued also because she reminds me of Her. And it might sounds weird, cause I don’t know anything of this woman. Yet, I can’t stop looking at her, it is like the closest thing I can have that ressembles Her. I even saw her with her husband once, and what Ithought was…
‘...they look like us… this could be us.’
It happened at two occurences where I had to hold back tears looking at her and her baby, so now I don’t look at her anymore, just glances if she is in my eyesight. All this to say, I look for Her everywhere. And I just wish She was there. And it is painful, to see her everywhere, to have her in my thoughts evry day and not be able to really see Her.
I am searching for her smile, her comforting words, the way she gets shy, the way she knows what to say and really love me for who I am. And I miss her so much it is actually making me so fucking sad, and I just try to distract myself everyday to not drowned into my feelings. And it is really lonely, feeling like this. I feel like no one can be her and I need her in my life. I guess I can say I am grieving her loss still. It’s so hard to lose someone you love, what do I do with my love? Where does it go?
Like a quote said ‘grief is love with nowhere to go’, something like this. And i think it sums up how I have been feeling for the past 8 months. Truly I never wished we seperated, I know it was bad, but I never wanted to be apart form her for this long. It is almost unbearable to live like this. After what we have been through, it is even more painful.
Almost everything was against us. But our love was enough to stand through, except for the distance. The distance it brings out the worst in you. It brought out the worst in me. I don’t blame myself for the way we ended, and I hope she doesn’t blame herself or myself. And I don’t wish things went different cause I think there was some lessons meant to be learn for us to grow…
But for F*uck sakes, it is time for us to be together again, don’t you think? I believe so. And I long for the day she wants me back into her life again. Nothing can compare to us. Else i would have been on my way, God knows I tried.
What scares me though is, I feel like I can wait for years for her. And that is scary to think, especially if in the end it is all just in my head. And she truly do not love or want me anymore.
‘But don’t tell me it’s not worth fighting for, there is nothing i want more…’ — Bryan Adams.
I would hope for an introspective ending here, something inspiring, a breakthrough. But tonight as I write this, it is to find shelter from my loneliness, to give my love a place to go.
Thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
May.